Although I work in a reputable company (whose reputation will drastically change once I quit and have the full liberty to blog about it), I have to admit that in this office of 400 people is a varied collection of the most ridiculous and absurd people who are ever to embrace humanity.
First off is Mr. I-Had-Sex-Last-Night-On-A-Bedsheet-Made-of-Week-Old-Eggs (let’s call him Subhi [smelly unagi beyond human intelligence]). You KNOW this guy is parking his car (and you are on floor 27) because of his smell. And he is toooooo oblivious to it. As soon as he enters the office, plants instantly die, all insect scurry away, and half the workforce is hospitalized. He insists he smells (and I quote) “Like a man bathed in musk”. He CAN’T possibly be this serious! He is 30-something, not married and lives with his mom, which is striking cuz I doubt a mother would leave her son like this. But at least we know why he isn’t married. He is impossible – my sense of smell has been significantly damaged just so I would survive his odor.
Then, there is Mr. FappFubar (for all practical purposes fucked up beyond any repair). The aptly named person says “for all practical purposes” in literally every sentence he utters. For instance, “So Kinan, let us say for all practical purposes, I want to implement so and so report, so for all practical purposes would it practically be feasible if for all practical purposes, say, I add so and so to it to add its practicality, for all practical purposes?”. Indeed.. what can I say? I don’t think I went blank for any more practical purpose than this.
One of my many bosses (5 in total) is an interesting fellow who cannot be given any label. So Unlabeled has a bad habit of nit-picking on everything. He gives me an absurd number of incomplete documents, all of which I have to magically understand and work on. Then, after 8 months of working on the same goddamn piece of code, I write an equivalently absurd documentation, which he sends back and forth telling me things like “there is a spelling mistake on word 4 line 8”. Are you KIDDING ME?! I mean, just correct the damn thing and move on! I correct it, send it back, then, 5 minutes later: “You have a typo on line 20”. I mean, people have better things to do you know! AND AFTER ALL THIS, his superiors (who are more inferior than an amoeba) send a Thank You email to the entire team, which my name is nowhere to be found. When I complain, “Kinan, you are in our hearts!”. Heartless bastards!
And finally for today is this most atrocious woman who is soooooooooooooooo may3a it sickens me. I was watching YouTube (great thing to do in an office) and I was giggling away at how Family Guy’s Stewie was beating up Brian for his money. So this edifice of stupidity tells me “Kinan please be quiet you are soooooooooooo distracting”. I look at her and give her my blank look, which means I am imagining her exploding and being cut into pieces. I continue my work, then I receive a phone call. After I am done, she says “Kinan your voice is deep!”, which I reply to “Ma eykoon 3andek mane3 enni mareed kaman!”. She laughed nervously and went back to work. I eyed my Jordanian friend (el afandi Zargawi) and we communicated that whatever wrong move she makes, Syrian and Jordanian ghalaza will be bestowed upon her. A few minutes later, we found her giggling – on a YouTube video.
Needless to say, she never sits with us again.